When I recall from whence I have come--the rebellious, self-consumed person that I was for the first 34 years of my life--it amazes me that You would even notice, let alone focus Your holy eyes on me. I was looking for answers everywhere but the source of truth. In numbing the pain of past shame by performance, and in numbing substances or perfectionism, I met nothing but failure as a result. Looking outside to others to fill the love vacuum, I became angry when they didn’t meet my expectations. At the point of desperation, You flooded my soul with light and pure love that I had hungered for all my life. Such amazing grace cannot be described or taught. It can only be experienced. (John 3:16) Lord, Your Grace Still Amazes Me! As a Christian, a new creation in Christ (2 Cor.5:17), walking in the world, I saw that it was not free from ‘pot holes’ and chasms of failure and sin. Each time I looked to some source other than the Lord Jesus, I began the slippery slide into the sins of presumption or pride and the pull of the flesh, which is not redeemed or improved with time. Each time, I chose and would succumb to the urge to provide or protect myself or someone I loved, which resulted in sin. The old belief system of the fleshly mind and injured soul/emotions would be triggered by life and circumstances, and the solutions of the flesh would pull to react. Even so, Jesus was ready, and more than willing, to forgive and to cleanse me of all unrighteousness (1 John 1:7&9). Once I recognized the conviction of the Holy Spirit and fell at His feet repentant, it was finished, but the conscience was still crying with shame and regret. God revealed to me that His forgiveness is complete in Christ, as we are cleansed of a defiled conscience by the sprinkling of the blood of Jesus. (Hebrews 9:13-14) So what was the temptation of the enemy? Why not peace? Regret! Christ will bear our grief (Isaiah 53:4-6) including regret when it is offered to Him in prayer and repentance. If He does not take it, it is because we are holding on to it, and believing the lie that we must hold it because of our sin. The Lord showed me the snares that so tightly hold it to us are self-abasement and self-righteousness, or putting ourselves in God’s position of Judge and Holiness(1 Cor. 4:2-5). Nevertheless, He still sent His amazing grace, His ‘rhema’ word of truth (Romans 10:17), sparking the faith to agree. His amazing grace flooded my soul and mind and released me from years of shame and regret. All I can do, or want to do, is fall to my face and praise Him for His unquenchable love and the blazing light of His very being finding deep root in my thirsty soul, clearing out the shadows.
Lord, Your Grace Will Always Amaze Me!
